Wednesday, June 17, 2015

At This Point

A few nights ago, as we were sitting around the hot tub, I asked Nathan what the thing he thought about the most was; when he's not working and there is nothing that needs to be thought about where does his mind go? I asked him this question because I was noting how often I think about babies. When I have nothing to think about, no task before me, no problem to be solved, my mind automatically fills itself with thoughts of children, specifically my own children and when I will be able to have them, how long it will take me to get pregnant again, and if I will be able to stay pregnant. 

I never imagined that I would be writing about miscarriage again, especially so soon. Nate and I found out  in April that we were once again pregnant. But I guess this one wasn't meant to be either because a few weeks later, on mothers day, I miscarried. This miscarriage was so much worse than my first. The pain was excruciating and left me curled up on the floor, unable to stand, and unable to function. I tried holding on to hope though (I gripped it so tight that I think I strangled it by accident.) by forcing myself to think positive. I almost had myself convinced that all I had was a stomach bug after all my pain on the first day vanished after I threw up. Unfortunately, I couldn't explain the bleeding, so while desperately clinging to hope I consigned myself to reality.

Fast forward through another day of cramps, vomiting from the pain, and guilt over wanting it all to end and we were once again in the emergency room with the heartbreaking results.

At this point I just really want a child. I miss my babies so much. I cry when I think that I could have one of them in my arms right now, and then I cry harder when I think of how I might have had another one only six months from now. December 23rd was my due date and I was in love with the thought of having a Christmas baby, I even bought a little green velvet vintage Christmas dress that I thought the baby could wear on her first birthday because I was sure that she was a girl.* 

Life seems to be very cruel right now. All I have ever wanted is to be a mother and to raise a big family like the one I grew up in and I don't understand why this dream is being withheld from me. I feel so angry sometimes, I just want to hit something or throw something or pull my hair. But all of these reactions are so foreign to me that most of the time I end up confused and emotionless.

I've spent a lot of time not wanting to talk about losing this pregnancy because I felt embarrassed, so writing this post has been particularly difficult. Did you know that there's only a 5% chance of having two miscarriages in a row? I knew that. That's why I was so sure that everything was going to work out this time. But, of course, nothing works out the way you think it will so I'm left feeling stupid for getting my hopes up, embarrassed for not being able to stay pregnant, and angry at my body for betraying me. Oh, I'm also terrified of getting pregnant (and losing the pregnancy) again. Man, it's hard being female.

Anyway, I'm working with my doctor to see if there's anything to be done. So far, everything looks fine, but we're waiting on a few more test results before we're certain. I appreciate any prayers and "good luck" wishes. And, even though I hate to hear it, I feel blessed by knowing that I don't have a problem getting pregnant; the trick is figuring out how to stay that way.

*I gave my doctor a tissue sample from the miscarriage to test the chromosomes for abnormalities, never once did it enter my mind that they would be able to know the gender of my baby that way, so when my doctor asked if I would like to know the gender I was surprised but of course I said yes because I couldn't resist knowing if my intuition was right and guess what, it was a girl! I'm amazed at the connection I had with my body and with my baby to be able to instinctually know. Now I wonder about my first baby because I was pretty certain that that one was a boy. 


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  2. That was beautiful! I love you Jess! You are doing everything right!

    1. Thanks, Briana. I love you, too! I loved hanging out with you last week.