On Good Feelings

I hesitate to think of myself as being infertile because there are women out there who have been trying for years and years to get pregnant without success and I feel like it takes away from their struggle when little old me, who has only been trying to get pregnant for fifteen months (non-consecutively, because of my miscarriage), tries to compare my heartache with theirs.

Most days I am able to bear the burden of not knowing when I will be able to get pregnant with relative ease. Yes, I want to get pregnant now. Yes, having babies is always on my mind. Yes, my heart aches when I see other parents with their children, but I am great at not putting pressure on myself. At times like these I considered one of my biggest blessings to be my ability to let it go. These last few months have been a different story though and, strangely enough, I'd blame it on good feelings.

Personal revelation is a big part of my faith and I believe strongly in its real power. Whether you believe in God or some other intangible force, I feel like most of us know this power. Call it revelation or your conscience, those moments when we have ideas or feelings that we know aren't coming from ourselves. It's like someone tapping you on the shoulder. It's been my experience that these instances are followed a peaceful and comforted feeling.

I had an experience like this a few months ago, at the beginning of the year. I inexplicably had the thought, "It's going to be soon." Out of the blue! My initial reaction was to guard my heart through pushing the thought away, to smother it in other, realistic, thoughts of, "Don't be silly. Don't get your hopes up. It hasn't happened yet, why would you think it's going to happen now?" as had become my habit to spare myself the pain that real hope brings. But the thought and the feeling that accompanied it wouldn't go away and a few days later Nate told me about a similar feeling he had had. I hadn't yet told him about my experience so I knew that this must have been his own revelation. I was on cloud nine. What are the odds that we both had the same feeling at the same time? It's gotta be soon!

A few weeks later I got my period. I tried to brush it off because it hurt, so I thought maybe this month was too soon, maybe next month will be the month. Well, next month came and again I started my period and again it hurt.

I don't usually ask "why me?" because as I mentioned a little bit ago there are so many people going through so much worse that it seemed selfish of me. I'm just trying to live my life in faith. I wasn't asking for answers and I have no idea why I was given one that would only cause pain time and time again. Now I don't have any doubt in my mind that the feeling I had was real, so the only choice I have is to believe in its truth and let it bring me hope instead of hurt.